The Moment I Looked Up

You remember that girl in middle school who could barely look up to say hello without stumbling over her words or her face turning cherry red....the girl who you could just tell lacked confidence and struggled with insecurities just by the sight of her...the girl who allowed fear to debilitate her and hold her captive?

This girl I am describing was me.

While many could never imagine or comprehend this "version" of Erin-Rae, it is merely a testament of God's transforming power in my life.

This is perhaps the most vulnerable I have been on my blog, but I felt prompted to share this with you today. I am learning that there is a distinct difference between transparency and vulnerability. You see, transparency is merely sharing things that one is thinking about or reflecting on, but vulnerability is allowing others to see deep into our hearts where struggles and imperfections reside. There is power in weakness, because this is where God proves himself strong in our lives. I want people to see my humanity. I want people to see that this light...this strength...this power is not a result of motivational tapes or self-improvement books. This is a direct result of my God inhabiting my heart and soul. Because without Him, I am just a girl named Erin-Rae. But with Him, I am complete...a daughter of the most High King.

Here's my story:

I came from an incredibly loving and godly home. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me beyond measure. I had every reason to be a confident young woman and yet I found myself in the opposite position. Never once did I harm myself physically. It was all internal--an emotional battle that I let very few people know about. I was afraid--afraid of failing, afraid of speaking, afraid of people and what they thought of me, afraid of everything. I was entangled in a thread of lies that told me I could never be a leader...never be strong. I never lost my ability to show kindness to others, but because so many assumed I was a shy person, I automatically believed that that was just who I was. The more lies I believed, the more my mouth closed up as if the enemy was sewing it shut.

These struggles continued until my freshman year of high school when a dear friend passed away. The grief seemed impossible to bear, but through the long and painful healing process, God revealed something to me about time: We may never know how long we have with people, but this should give us all the more reason to live our lives in service to others. From that point on, I never treated people the same.

As I traveled to El Salvador, Nicaragua, and other locations within the U.S for outreach and missions throughout high school, I quickly began to realize that God was reshaping the way I perceived myself, but in a way I would have least expected. Yes, His Word was breath in my lungs and His presence remained through all those nights I would quietly cry myself to sleep. But it was actually the moments of serving others that I began seeing myself differently. In other words, it was the moment I started looking up, that God helped me find my identity.

For so many years, my vantage point was limited due to the position of my head. All I saw was myself and my own insecurities. I may have learned every stitch, every curve, every design on my tennis shoes, but I failed to see the desperation around me. Disappointed that I had missed so many opportunities, I decided that some things needed to change. I began to learn the enemy's schemes. I knew that he would never be able to tempt me in the typical ways, but he would certainly do everything in his power to destroy me mentally and emotionally. He didn't want me to discover who I really was or all that God had for me. He didn't want my smile to be seen. He didn't want me to speak because he knew that this voice was meant to uplift and encourage and direct people to Christ.

I was no longer okay with the enemy bullying me around, so I began to fight back! The more truth and promises I believed, the more I spoke up, the more people I encouraged, the more love I expressed....the more I understood who God had designed me to be. To this day, I still struggle with confidence, but I am quicker to quiet and defeat the voices that I know are not true. God has not equipped us with armor intended for the shed, but rather for the battlefield. Do I believe in spiritual warfare? Absolutely. But do I believe we have victory over these powerful forces? Without a shadow of a doubt. 

^"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."-- Ephesians 6:10-12

If I have learned anything from this process, it is that discovering our true identity and God's purpose for our lives is a lifelong process. God wants to continue to redefine who we are and expand our capacity through different experiences--stripping us of the identity we have made for ourselves so that he can show us who he really created us to be. He wants to enhance and remodel our hearts in preparation for the journey ahead. I am grateful for the things I went through. Not because they were easy, but because they were like growing pains--essential for development and spiritual maturity.

Now, instead of looking down at my sneakers, my head is up. Not because I am the most confident person in the world nor am I the prettiest or most intelligent, but because I know my worth is found not in man, but in my Father in Heaven. I ended up graduating college with a Communications degree (confronting my fear of speaking and learning that I have a voice) and am now pursuing a Masters in Business Administration (confronting my fear of leadership and learning that God may have more in store for me than I realize).

So I leave you with this...

Keep your head up, because people need to see that smile and hear that voice. It was meant to change the world one life at a time.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."--Galatians 6:9

When He Speaks : Five keys to remaining sensitive and responsive to God's voice

Have you ever found yourself in your own little world? Either you're thinking about today's agenda, contemplating what you'll be eating for lunch, deeply engrossed in a book, texting, or staring avidly at your iPhone screen as you check your Facebook or Twitter news feed. Or, if you're like me, you're looking at the ground as you walk just to make sure you don't trip on the obstacle course in front of you.

If any or all scenarios such as these resonate with you, has this "in my own little world" dilemma ever resulted in your oblivion to someone calling your name or saying hello?  At times it registers soon enough for you to acknowledge them back, but other times you are about 15 seconds too late and the opportunity has come and gone.  I know I have had my fair share of those unfortunate circumstances. Light bulb turns on, head whips back, smile forms, hand raises for a brief wave.....and aww bummer! The person's gone. #awkwardmoment #sadday

As I reflect on situations like these, I am reminded of the subject of God's voice. The older we get the more we realize that there's a distinct difference between hearing and listening. You see, we hear a lot of things on a daily basis, but we have a choice as to what we listen to. Through the hustle and bustle of life we often tune out the unwanted or mundane sounds. However, it is my prayer and challenge that we will never become ignorant of the voice of God. This voice is no ordinary voice that only speaks when necessary. This voice speaks every second, every minute, every hour of the day providing counsel, discernment, and endless comfort. It is merely a matter of us tuning in. 

My dad once said,"Hearing God's voice is less of an art and more a desire of the heart." The older I get the more I hunger and long for God's direction. I find myself praying this over and over again: "Less of me and more of you, oh God." Phrases like these are easy to recite, but when it comes to  implementation it's no easy task.

Here are 5 keys to remaining sensitive and responsive to God's voice: 


1. Desire and Faith - In order for us to hear God's voice we must have a passionate desire to attentively listen to His words and the faith that He will speak.  If we lack these key elements, we become closed off and almost numb to the voice of God. We were given free will--we were not designed in a robot factory nor were we created with puppet strings attached. God is not a god of force. Therefore, the choice is ours. Do we continue to live our lives as we please and remain ignorant to His instruction or do we continually seek God out for guidance and direction?  Do you desire to hear from God? Do you believe that as you seek you will find?  

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." - Matthew 7:7-8

2. Vision - Attempt to see things through God's eyes. Ask Him to provide clarity--to clear your vision and increase your understanding of why things are happening the way they are. Sometimes our plans don't align with reality, but in moments like these, God is trying to reveal something to us. The key is will we rely upon our own understanding or preconceived ideas to navigate our way through situations? We tend to see what's right in front of us, but God sees the big picture and every microscopic detail in between. He sees the entire scope....the grand spectrum...the beginning and the end. Trust Him and watch him bring clarity to the complexities of your everyday life.

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people.." - Ephesians 1:18

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

3. Surrender - What does "surrender" mean? Over the last few months, I believe God has tweaked my definition. You see, surrender means laying absolutely EVERYTHING down at His feet.  Not just the bad and the ugly, but the good things in life as well (material possessions, academic endeavors, professional opportunities, romantic relationships, future plans etc.) The moment we loosen our grip, it gives God room to speak--we are actively giving Him the reigns and allowing Him to change our plans if need be. If He asks us to give up good things, it is not to cause misery or sadness, but rather the opposite. If God has your best interest in mind, then he may need to make alterations in order to develop and strengthen you, and ultimately lead you into your destiny. Billy Graham once said, "God never takes away something from your life without replacing it with something better.” So surrender, loosen your grip, and walk in obedience, even if it involves temporary pain. As you do this, He will perfect your path, guide, and speak in ways you could have never imagined.  

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." - Luke 22:42

4. Solitude - God longs to take the complexities of life and create peace and simplicity within our hearts and minds. But where can we obtain this peace that passes all understanding? God is constantly communicating, but sometimes we must remove ourselves from the busyness of life to hear him more clearly and allow him to penetrate our hearts. His presence is life--breath to our lungs. So step away from the to do list for a short while and find solitude. As you give him time, he will show up in new ways and provide comfort and discernment where it is needed. 

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed."- Mark 1:35

5. Word - Continue to stay in the Word of God. This entire book consists of His practical and applicable instruction. No matter how much or how little you read, know that every bit that goes into your heart provides counsel and comfort for both present and future situations. It may have been written thousands of years ago, but it is ALIVE! His promises are timeless. His words remain just as true today as they were back then. If you can't sense or hear His voice, just read His words.  

"How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." - Psalm 119:9-11